How Do You Strike the Right Balance in Your Life?

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How Do You Strike the Right Balance in Your Life?

Photo courtesy: saibabaofindia.com

Baghwan Sri Sathya Sai Baba is a highly praised humanitarian, philosopher and religious figure. His teachings focus on finding purpose and joy through love and compassion. The Sathya Sai Organization runs many schools, hospitals in India and abroad; the organization's website is available at radiosai.org. For Swami's 85th birthday on November 23^rd 2010, the organization posted 30 videos of Sri Sathya Sai Baba's recent speeches and discourses. I’ve studied these teachings and here's what really resonates with me regarding our society.

The secret of life is to live a life of purpose. Take the internet, it has been the greatest blessing of modern times, but it has also been misused. There are numerous stories each year about addiction (especially with video games) and crimes related to internet use. This obsession has ruined physical and psychological health of many people, who lose bonds with the real world. Take social networking, often this amounts to wasting time by telling people about things which are not necessary. Finding purpose and real accomplishment in life is the goal.

The secular and spiritual aspects of our society are at an impasse. Public education is entirely focused on math, history, and other academic skills. However there is little focus on wellness and spiritual (not necessarily religious) well being. Also lacking is basic nutritional education, which has left much of the West hooked on TV dinners and junk food. Worldly knowledge is not enough, it needs to balanced with holistic knowledge.

Balance is: being in the world, but retaining sense of purpose. Why are we tiring ourselves out with trivial pursuits instead of searching for deeper accomplishment? Hardly anyone is truly happy. Almost everyone suffers from anxiety, depression and fear.

The solution is: to live in the world passionately. Facing the daily challenges which we need to overcome in the most harmonious way. Who said that life is a bowl of cherries?

Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage?

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Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage?

Photo credit: ῨᾂῄὐἄṜ

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where everything seems to be fine on the outside, but where you feel lost and lonely on the inside? You are together, you have children, friends and family and still the core connection with your mate is missing. You are just going through the motions. Somehow the one you’ve built your marital foundation with is not there for you on an emotional level. After years of discontent and miscommunication, you wonder if you’ll ever be able to re-capture the joy of attachment, bonding and closeness with your partner.

When couples first come in, they are often pretty distraught and fed up with the cycle of attack and withdrawal. It's a vicious cycle which they can't break out from. This cycle is natural and common. One partner becomes increasingly demanding and clingy, unintentionally pushing the person away. They wonder: Do I continue living this way or do I call it quits now?

There is a third option: To repair, refresh and renew your relationship now with your partner. When a therapist becomes involved, their role is to listen carefully and find out where the couple has gotten stuck. Resolving the emotional disconnection will help the couple much more than quick fixes for the problem of the week.

If you are in a troubled relationship, and feel it is time to involve a counsellor, click here to contact me to discuss the services I can offer.

Couples Counselling: What You Want From Each Other

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Couples Counselling: What You Want From Each Other

Photo credit: Project 52

Have you ever wanted to ask your partner:

• Do I matter to you?
• Can I count on you?
• Are you there for me?

This is what most couples deep down inside want to ask. When you feel your needs are not being met or communication is breaking down then it may be time to seek counselling together.

It’s not really about issues surrounding finances, the kids or sex (although these issues are important). What you really want from each other is a deep emotional attachment. You can fight, but how you re-connect after that is what makes a relationship last. Staying emotionally connected even when you don’t agree with each other is paramount. The core issues behind every major disagreement will always come back to your own emotional needs, and everyone needs a safe place to work out those issues. Couples often bring their own troubled past into relationships. People who are drawn to each other seem to have ability to push each other's buttons. While this can lead to emotional turmoil, it can also be the place to heal your emotional wounds.

According to John Bowlby, “When we have a deep connection with a group of people, it changes how we feel in life". Isolation can be very traumatizing; we don’t do well alone, we aren't wired for it. The quality of relationships has a huge impact on the immune system. Oxytocin (a bonding hormone) is released when two people are emotionally close to each other. A lack of deep emotional bonding can in fact lead to some serious health issues.

When you feel you're growing apart from each other, like you have lost understanding and empathy with your partner, it's time to seek counselling. The role of the therapist is to lead couples into a deeper emotional bond, by creating a safe place in the therapy session for couples to work out their issues. With both of your participation, within a few sessions, you can work towards being heard, understood, and turning each other's company into a refuge rather than a war zone.

Next week, I will look closer at the cycles that couples go through and the role of the therapist in helping them move forward.

Recommended reading
Dr. Sue Johnson “Hold me Tight”

Telling Your Truth: Do What Feels Right and True

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.
Credit: photobucket.com: MyBackgroundMusic

I started my previous blog, quoting Dada Vaswani’s 9 principles of success. Today, we will expand on the first principle: "Nothing in life brings about failure more surely than lack of integrity.”

What is integrity? Integrity (utter sincerity, honesty and candor) is telling the truth the way you perceive it, living with a clear conscience, knowing that whatever you say and do is according to your inner truth.

Have you noticed how you feel when you have said or done things that were not true and honest? For example:

1. Did your heart rate go up?
2. Did you have butterflies in your stomach?
3. Did your thoughts keep turning over and over the same incidence?
4. Did you have shallow breathing and a dry mouth?

If so, what impact do you think this may have on your physical and emotional health? Perhaps a detrimental effect? If so, then for health reasons alone, it would be a good idea to stick to the truth. The other reason could be: what if I were “found out?”…how would that make you feel ... ashamed perhaps? The feeling of shame can bring about feelings of guilt and low self esteem which may make you feel worse about yourself and bring you into a downward spiral.

In the end it seems that only negative consequences can be the result of lack of integrity. So we may want to ask ourselves: “is it really worth it?”

The way I approach a client with this issue is by exploring what is blocking them from telling and perhaps perceiving the truth. Once we know what the blocks are, we will proceed to explore the discomfort of avoiding the truth. From there we will continue to explore what the best way would be for the client to tell the truth at their own speed and comfort level.

Another time we will approach the topic of: When you give to the world the best you have, the best will come back to you.

9 Tips for Success in Life as Dada Vaswani Advises Us

Photo: Dada gave his DRISHTI and blessed all on his 92nd birthday.
Credit: sadhuvaswani.org: Sadhu Vaswani Mission News & Updates

"Can you give us a software for success?"

From “Dada Answers - Questions you have always wished to ask" by J.P. Vaswani
(Gita Publishing House, Pune, India), page 302

Dada’s simple answers on his nine steps for success:

1. Do only that which you feel is right and true. Nothing in life brings about failure more surely than lack of integrity.
2. Do your best each day. Let this be the motto of your life: “only the best is good enough for me”. When you give to the world the best you have, the best will come back to you.
3. Fully trust in the divine wisdom that designs and orders the scheme of things.
4. Plan for today. Budget your time. The truly successful man fits 26 hours into a day of 24, cutting down waste. Take care of every moment of your life.
5. Begin the day right! Wake up each morning, full of hope and expectation.
6. Never give up. Persistence is the law of success!
7. Tact is better than talent.
8. Stay young all your life. Age is a state of mind.
9. Reach out to others. You succeed in the measure in which you help others to succeed.

Because my family knows how much I admire Dada Vaswani for his spiritual thinking and being they sent me his book “Dada Answers - Questions you have always wished to ask" (Gita Publishing House, Pune, India). The impact that this humble man, with the tale of love and compassion for all living things, has on people, is impossible to measure. He is highly regarded amongst his peers and has spoken at the UNO on universal peace and has been the recipient of several honors, including the prestigious U Thant Peace Award.

When I read the book I was amazed how the author addresses answers for complex life issues in such simple manner and language. Simple concepts, but often difficult to tackle on your own, it is almost as if one would benefit from a To-Do-List, and Dada Vaswani shares with us his 9 steps for success in life. Over the next few weeks we will explore each of these points in more depth.

Next week we will discuss the first point: do only which you feel is right and true.

From Chaos to Order

Single tree in grass field
Credit: MS Office: 00438698_.jpg

Holistic psychotherapy promotes an integration of wellbeing on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level. When all these three aspects reach their peak, then there is harmony and a sense of wellbeing in a person. In the process of moving towards this "perfection" we evolve in an upward spiral of order and then chaos to a higher level of order through chaos or disease to an even higher level, etc.

Chaos is a stepping stone from one level of order to the next higher level. Everyone experiences this, whether or not they are conscious of it. Each new level of order is a new level of health (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual).. It may be a combination or all of them. Chaos only becomes a disease when we get stuck in the chaos without breaking through to a higher level of order. We might say to ourselves: "this does not feel good," or "maybe something is out of synch".

When we become "stuck" within a chaotic pattern, without learning or evolving through it, that’s when we disrupt our natural energy flow, creating stress and disease. Order-chaos-order happens on a regular basis. It is a cycle that can be used to help us evolve. Chaos is one of the biggest teachers. Most people’s lives have a certain amount of chaos each day and our response can be constructive or destructive.

As a therapist, I help people to break through the chaos to a higher level of peace and serenity. The method I often use: Focusing, is a way of getting to the core of the issues and then gently transforming the obstacles.

Look out for the next post where I will elaborate on the method Focusing further.

Be in the World, Not of the World

Businessman on mobile phone
Credit: MS Office: 00443129_.jpg

In an attempt to find happiness, we often tend to increase the complexity of our lives to a point of no return. For example: BlackBerries, iPods, Facebook, Twitter, cell phones etc…keep us occupied almost all day (and night).

We seem to be relying on outer stimuli to have some meaning in life, to find some importance in ourselves, to fill the emptiness within. As if, without the outside stimuli, the silence would be deafening to us.

Is there a fear that if we are on our own, without the outer stimuli, that we may be forced to get our inner stimuli going? Fear to look within of what we may or may not find? Fear of knowing your inner self is quite natural; often we think that there are “monsters” hidden in there, because we may not have positive feelings about ourselves.

We can take ourselves gently by the hand and find a peaceful place within, where we can make some space to experience our true inner beauty. You can try to see yourself as a little vulnerable, innocent child. Now you can, as the grown up and wise adult embrace and comfort the child and give it all the love it needs. Getting to know your true self is what may give you inner peace.

As a therapist, I guide people to find their peaceful place and from there to discover what is standing in their way to overcome their "blocks".

Renovation of Your Soul

Person meditating on beach
Credit: MS Office: 00444180.jpg

When you feel that your world is falling apart because of:

1. Relationships destroyed
2. Finances in the pit
3. Health issues

That’s when you may need an overhaul of your life. When problems become overwhelming, then this a signal that major "repairs" of your soul need to be done, even a complete renovation.

First, sit back and ponder:

1. Where did things go wrong?
2. How do I overcome this?

At this time an inspection / introspection of your soul is needed.

It may be a good idea to sit quietly by yourself, close your eyes and focus your attention within, on your breath. Without judging yourself, look at the picture of your life and just observe what you see in a detached manner. Take some deep breaths. If you find yourself caught up in your emotions, re-direct your attention to your breath. Try to look at yourself with empathy and compassion and embrace the inner you, with all of your positives and negatives. Imagine the love you have for a small child (your child or grandchild) and transfer that love to the inner you. Feel a sense of unconditional love for the inner you.

When you have achieved a sense of calmness, then you are ready to start dealing with your issues one by one.

Holistic Psychotherapy: Don't Hesitate to Get Help

When you find yourself in a challenging situation, whether its personal, relationship/marriage or career/business, you may think about seeking some professional help. Especially when your friends are tired of listening to your repetitive stories and you find yourself alone and in the dark.

At this time you may ask yourself "who can I find who has a holistic approach to therapy, incorporating body, mind and spirit?" and "whom I can relate to?"

The next question will be: "how am I going to afford it?" Although therapy is an investment in your wellbeing, whereby you could probably work more efficiently and make more money. What price can you put on your optimum emotional health and happiness?

One source of coverage which is often overlooked is the extended health coverage by insurance companies such as The Great-West Life Assurance Company: Individual products: Counselling and Support Services: helping individuals, families and business owners plan for their financial security. It takes one phone call to your insurance company to verify that your plan covers you for psychotherapy by a registered social worker.

At each session a receipt is issued which can be submitted to you insurance company for re-imbursement. When you call me for a free confidential 15 minute consultation all of the above issues can be discussed. I can be reached at 416-769-6810.

Ganga Daryanani, RSW
"Inner richness is the source of outer abundance"
Psychotherapy - Holistic Counselling - Coaching
416-769-6810
holisticcounsel.com
gdconsulting@sympatico.ca