What is Focusing?

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What is Focusing?

You probably think that it means to concentrate on something, like: I need to focus on a project, my future, etc.....However, Focusing in the psychotherapeutic sense means something different; it is a guided thought exercise which is designed to help you to transform an emotional block. It is not hypnosis, your eyes are closed but you remain fully aware at all times.

When dealing with our conscious minds, there are roadblocks we put up (subconsciously) in order not to feel pain. And yet, to transform the pain during therapy we do need to briefly touch upon the pain. There is no magic wand that wipes away the pain. But Focusing offers an alternative to the sometimes uncomfortable discussions that many people associate with psychotherapy.

Unlike traditional therapy, Focusing allows you to remain in a safe state of mind while the therapist guides you to a place where you can deal with your emotions and gain peace of mind. One aspect that many people find comforting with this exercise is that much of the conversation is optional, leaving them able to respond and react to their own experience of the therapy.

Often when you come in to therapy it can be easy and natural to become defensive; this sort of an exercise will take the burden of communication away, and allow you to orient yourself on your emotions. By getting closer to the issue, you are able to see the it from a distance and ask yourself "What is it all about?" and find an answer.

During the entire session I will coach the client to pay attention to their feelings. Through gently asking specific questions I bring the client to a point where they feel ready to deal with the pain; whether it's through seeing things from a different angle, having a eureka moment about themselves or being able to express their deepest emotions to someone.

As each person is unique, I deal with each person in a different way. Prior to directing their attention within themselves, I guide the client to their peaceful place with their eyes closed so that the client can get relaxed and more in tune with the emotions held in their body. In holistic therapy, the connection between body and mind is given greater importance.

The session has been successful when you feel a shift in your emotions, and experience a feeling of release. Most of the time there is no need for much talk afterwards and the you can go home and let it all sink in and celebrate your newfound peace.

It always amazes me how powerful this method can be. Focusing helps the client to go much deeper within themselves than by regular talking. Although talking has it's place, transformation happens when we have our eyes closed and our mind focused with no fear of overcoming the obstacles. The greatest satisfaction arrives when the transformation is complete.

Do You Control Your Thoughts or Do Your Thoughts Control You?

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Do You Control Your Thoughts or Do Your Thoughts Control You?

"We can easily forgive a child who is is afraid of the dark, but the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light." - Plato

Negative thoughts are controlled by your emotions. A quick fix can be to repeat positive affirmations. Sometimes all that's necessary to change your thoughts is practice and repetition of healthier thinking.

Affirmations work like commands given to a computer. They influence how we perceive ourselves, other people, events and circumstances.

Here is how this works: The repeated words build mental images in the mind and focus us on positive, productive thoughts. Frequent repetitions are like adding drops of water to a bucket, changing our habits over time. The conscious mind, starts the process and then the subconscious mind takes charge. This means that the most frequent thoughts that pass through your mind, ultimately effect your life and your future.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations:

I seek people who love and nurture me

I am centered and balanced

I can change

I value and love myself exactly the way I am

While affirmations are a highly effective tool, for some people reciting affirmations, will not allow them to deal with the root issues and negative emotions. For those people I help them to feel the underlying feelings first and then transform into peaceful feelings through a process called Focusing. Next week I will go into detail on this exercise. In the meantime, you can read more about it on my website here.

How Can I be Happy? What is Happiness?

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How Can I be Happy? What is Happiness?

Why is happiness so difficult to hold on to? It seems like we are insatiable, anything that pleases us will eventually become stale. This can be a force for good, it pushes us to do more than rest on our laurels, to go out and succeed in life. There is a huge rush that comes with pursuing feelings of lust, ambition, hate, anger and jealousy; but with it life can become a series of conflicts and problems. It can be easy to lose heart.

You may think: "If have a house and wife/husband, I’ll be happy", only to discover that once you’ve achieved these, you are still dissatisfied after a while, feeling an emptiness within. A void threatening to swallow up everything around you. Lots of people try to fill this void up with their bad habits. Kirstie Alley fills it with food, Charlie Sheen tries to fill it with drugs.

When this desperate discomfort or dissatisfaction spills over into negative behavior, its usually the result of anxiety over a central problem that you are ignoring or completely unaware of.

Finding peace is not just having a few hours or days of tranquility by yourself, but finding a higher state of mind where you are in complete harmony with yourself. The secret here is to find and deal with the root of your real problems. If you have negative body issues for example, then binging on comfort foods will lead you into a vicious cycle, but by actively working to resolve those issues with your body image, you can learn to move past any negative behavior and adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Once you've developed better habits, those troubles that drove you to negative choices will no longer bother you. This can take time and commitment, but the end result is a longer, healthier, happier life.

True happiness is a state characterized by stability and contentedness. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and the world around you, accept that some things in life are beyond your control and find joy in things just as they are.

Do We Make Our Destiny?

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Do We Make Our Destiny?

Destiny is the past creating the present. You might say to yourself: “I'm just destined to be overweight/unhappy/victimized/destitute/alone forever”, but these are actually the results of life choices you've made. It's never too late to make a change.

Repeating poor actions without considering the consequences causes your body to develop unhealthy habits. However, you are not destined to be anything except what you’ve made of yourself through past and present actions. Many of these behaviors are reactions to past trauma and/or coping habits that don't address the issue.

Each morning when you wake up you make a plan that you never follow through on. Somehow you get overwhelmed, or at the end of the race, you find that you never really wanted the prize in the first place. It's time to breathe, take a look at your life, and see that you're on a course for self destruction. If you have stumbled and fallen you can always get up, dust yourself off and continue on a different path. No matter what your present state is, you can change through self control, discipline and altering the way you think.

There are many examples of great men and women who have overcome their personal demons. In his youth Mahatma Ghandi had tremendous anger management problems, prior to his renown as a pacifist, he was actually a very violent man. Terry Fox overcame amputation and mounting health concerns to run his marathon of hope. Usually those who achieve great things also suffer great failures, but they refuse to be trampled by them. You don't have to achieve your country's independence or run across the country on one leg; small steps can turn your life around.

And if you're still having trouble changing your thoughts, check back next week.

Are We The Clothes We Wear?

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Are We The Clothes We Wear?

People judge us by our outward appearance, but in the long run the way we conduct ourselves is much more important. Once you develop your mind and cultivate appealing inner virtues, clothes become less important.

Mahatma Ghandi proved that the clothes do not always “make the man”. He wore only a loincloth as a way to identify himself with the humble masses of India.

He once arrived dressed that way at a party thrown by an English governor. The servants turned him away at the door, so he went home and sent a package by courier to the Governor. What was in the package? A suit. When the Governor called and asked the meaning of the package, Ghandi replied: “I was invited to your party, but I was not allowed entrance because of my dress, therefore I have sent you my suit instead.” Even during his visit to London, Ghandi went to visit the Queen of England wearing only a loincloth.

Of course, I don't personally recommended that you dress this way. Ghandi had a mission to fulfill and this was part of his role (and his rhetoric).

Clothing in western society, for women especially, is geared towards sexuality. The media and fashion industry makes millions of dollars by convincing us that clothing not only is an outward expression of who you are and what creed you belong to, but also that you need the right clothing to get what you want in life. While this may even be true to some extent, there is definitely too much emphasis placed on our outward appearance.

Take for example, the argument in favour of the burka. While the popular Western sentiment may see this as a symbol of sexual oppression within certain cultures, many women from those cultures will express that wearing a burka frees them from the judgement and sexuality that the rest of the world attaches to clothing and physical beauty.

The point is: while your outward appearance is important, it is far from being the centre of the universe. To give the body too little or too much focus can leave you insecure and unbalanced. What is most important is your mind and behavior. That's what people respond to.

Live in the Light - From Depression to Expression

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Live in the Light - From Depression to Expression

One of the several ways to overcome depression is by spending time helping others who are in a worse shape than you are.

When you feel empty, like you're at the bottom of the barrel, with nothing to give, dark and negative thoughts feed on themselves and you spiral downwards. At that level you may even think that there is no one out there who can help you. That fear is only justified if you don't have the desire to be helped.

If you reverse your thinking through the realization that there are people out there who are worse of than you are. Find them and help them. Here you are coming from a perspective of strength. Even if you don't feel like it, do it anyway! Just like going to the dentist.

You will find that just by the act of helping others, volunteering, you are starting a spiral upwards. Without having to share your story with anyone, you are now being appreciated for who you are and what you can do for others. The sense of gratitude that others may have for you can start a bud opening up, saying: what can I contribute to the world?

Volunteering eliminates fear, focuses your mind and gives you meaning. This in turn will make you feel worthwhile. From here you can start expanding your growth and after a while you will be ready to see someone (therapist) to explore where the darkness originates from and to dissolve it, so that you are able to live in the light.

Continued volunteering will give you a basis for self-esteem and positive energy from which you can explore your inner arena to become a stronger and wiser person, taking one more step towards living a more peaceful life.

Who Looks Outside Dreams, Who Looks Inside Awakens

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Who Looks Outside Dreams, Who Looks Inside Awakens

In the Eastern philosophy, the world we live in is considered “Maya” illusion. All the world is a stage, and we are merely actors. Wearing a costume, we interact with others who are also wearing their own costume. It’s only when we take off this costume that we come face to face with the core of our identity.

The journey in life is to be aware of who you are under all of the costumes at all times. In an ideal state, this core ought to include feelings of openness, love, acceptance, and self-fulfillment.

When we meet obstacles on our way, we usually see them as issues to “overcome” or alternatively we can say to ourselves: “What do I need to change within myself so that I can deal with this in the most harmonious way”. In this way problems become golden opportunities to evolve into a better person.

That’s why relationships are so great; they place a mirror in front of us, showing us where we stand on our path.

Can you guess what happens when you make a shift within yourself? The behavior of others people changes automatically. In a situation where the victim/controller dynamic occurs, a change of mindset from the victim will result in the controller also making a shift. The controller now needs to look for another button to push. This continues until all the buttons are released, which means that you’ve taken great steps forward on your (hopefully mutual) journey of personal growth.

At times when the issues seem too big to handle, finding a therapist who can provide a safe, non-judgmental place to look into that mirror; assisting you in a gentle way to have the courage and confidence to make the changes needed. Initially, you may only be able to take baby steps, not sure what is inside of you (like being afraid of the dark) only to discover there is no monster there.

Once you discover that it is not so scary, you can speed up the process, until you can love yourself unconditionally. Only when we love ourselves, can we love others. Then it’s not “I want some-one to love me so that I can feel good about myself”, but “I love myself and want to be with someone who also loves her/himself.” That becomes then a journey of growing and evolving together, when partners can help each other to transform; knowing the darker side of the other and still not running away, but working to get to the light.

If you’re the sort of person for whom mantras are effective, an excellent one can be: “I am love; I am perfect exactly the way I am.” The next step is also to see other people as love and perfect, which is a greater challenge.